September 20, 2007 at 7:50 a.m.
Speaker teaches responsible parenting at special presentation at CLHS
Speaker teaches responsible parenting at special presentation at CLHS
Renowned motivational speaker Corwin Kronenberg visited the district and spoke at a special presentation at the CLHS Performing Arts Center to an audience of around 130 parents, teachers and administrators.
His visit was co-sponsored by the three district elementary schools and parent's groups.
Kronenberg used analogies and real stories from his own life to try and help parents with strategies to use in teaching their kids to be responsible.
One of the most important messages he conveyed was to be consistent in discipline and working together with your significant other to enforce consistent discipline.
"We draw a line on what is acceptable and unacceptable," Kronenberg said.
A problem arises when adults have a different idea of where that line should be drawn for the child.
"Mom, dad, teacher, daycare provider, grandparent, they all might draw the line in a difference place," he said. "When that happens, kids will divide and conquer."
Punishment, he said, is something entirely different from discipline.
"Punishment is done out of anger," Kronenberg said. "Discipline is done out of love."
He explained that there are three types of parenting styles - those that follow their brain, those that follow their heart, and those that follow their gut.
The extremes go from the "brain" thinker who keeps an even temperament and carefully thinks through disciplinary action, to the "gut" thinker who instantly uses anger to punish the child.
In the middle is the "heart" thinker, which many parents seemed to connect with at the talk.
The "heart" person generally doesn't seem to have a clear strategy for teaching kids responsibility, but starts with simply talking, moves to using guilt and eventually other emotions before a burst of anger takes over and they react.
Kronenberg used a hypothetical situation to explain how the "heart" parent operates. They go from asking repeatedly for the child to show responsibility by cleaning up a mess, to an eventual angry outburst with threats that aren't backed up by action.
Children quickly pick up on this and therefore, don't listen to the parent.
"They know that they don't have to be responsible, they can ignore the parent and endure a few minutes of yelling before it's over," Kronenberg said. "For kids who try and test limits and are aggressive, heart people are road kill."
The "heart" parent more often than not will feel guilty for overreacting to the situation and end up essentially rewarding the child for their irresponsible behavior.
The best model to follow as a parent, Kronenberg explained, is the "brain" thinker. Logically and calmly thinking through each situation to truly teach the child what responsible behavior you are expecting. If the desired behavior isn't achieved, it is up to the parent to instill discipline that directly relates to the misbehavior.
"Tell the child, 'you have misbehaved and there will be a consequence. I need to go away and think about what it will be. In the meantime, don't worry about it,'" Kronenberg said.
"And what will the child do when you're gone? Of course they'll worry about it," he said.
Often, when you come back to talk about the misbehavior and possible discipline, the child will come up with something even more strict than what the parent was thinking.
Kronenberg said the brain parent will follow the "Rs" of discipline: respectful of rules, authority figures and self-respect, and responsibility.
On the contrary, when misbehavior has led to the heart or gut parent getting angry and using punishment, the child learns about other things like resentment, revenge, rebellion and retreat.
"You don't want your kids to be resentful and want revenge when they're selecting your nursing home," Kronenberg joked.
The test for whether a consequence is discipline or punishment is three-fold, Kronenberg said: one- is it related to the misbehavior? two- is it respectful? three- is it reasonable?
Kronenberg also instructed participants on strategies to use when kids inevitably use con games when being faced with consequences from their misbehavior.
They typically start with denial ("I didn't do it!), and can move through other tactics like blaming, pleading and eventually, rebelling, where they "make your life so miserable that you give in," Kronenberg said.
Primary School Principal Kathy Baker set up Kronenberg's visit to the district and introduced him to the audience. Lakeside and Taylors Falls principals Warren Retzlaff and Joe Thimm also attended.
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