---

I love football.

It's very simple, since it was the sport I was best at, my first love has always been the game of football. I played from fourth grade through my senior year in the Forest Lake district. I started as a defensive lineman, but when my coaches realized I was more of a hulking lineman than a fast-twitch defensive end, I was switched to offensive tackle. You needed to be faster to be on defense my coaches said.

And I think that was the only time my name and fast, or any variation of it, was used in a football related way.

Ever since then, I looked at the game of football differently. I like to think that the offensive line is a thinking man's position. You know what you have to do, but what is the defensive lineman going to do? What about the linebacker or the safety you have to get up field and de-cleat? On defense, you can just use brute force and natural speed to race to the ball carrier, not on offense. It's a more analytical approach. Since that switch, I've analyzed all my views of football differently. I like to think that I can be a coach or a general manager of a pro football team.

All this analyzing and arm chair quarterbacking got me thinking of a certain question that most Minnesotans probably feel right now? Could I really be any worse than Brad Childress?

Now keep in mind, I'm not just some ho-hum casual fan who jeers Childress because the whole state is doing it. I've saw through this mustached fellow ever since he came on board. The past two years (I'll give him a bye for the first year because he was still new to the team and head coaching), he has taken teams that are among the top five in the league in talent and led them to mediocre records. He consistently bumbles play calls and clock management, and he's hanging onto Tarvaris Jackson like he's the Titanic. I can just picture Childress hanging off the sinking ship that is Jackson whispering 'I'll never let go!'

Now these are all things you've heard before. Everyone can, and will, criticize Childress, but I'm going to be analytical and step into owner Zygi Wilf's shoes for a moment here and re-do my off-season. I'll start with a few internal moves.

I'll still let Darren Sharper walk. We drafted Tyrell Johnson last year for a reason, and Sharper has lost more than a few steps the past couple years. He used to bank his high-risk moves into big plays for the defense. Now he just banks his high-risk moves into big plays for the other team. He takes bad angles, can't turn and run with the faster slot receivers, and is just plain sloppy when it comes to tackling.

Matt Birk, on the other hand, stays put. I'll give him the little extra money he wants to stay with the only team he's known. The man is vital to our offensive line. He makes the blocking adjustments at the line and he's one of the few centers in the league who has the versatility to pull to the outside. It can really confuse a defense since they don't usually key on the center, they key on the pulling guards.

My first order of business from the outside is a new quarterback. With the market looking thin, I'm looking for a veteran quarterback who has had past success and also has experience in the West Coast offense. I spot a guy from the South who seems to fit that bill well. And his name isn't Sage Rosenfels. I'm signing Jeff Garcia. Sure the guy is old, but he is still effective, has been in a West Coast offense for years, and doesn't need to carry our team. He just needs to not screw it up like Jackson and Gus Frerotte did last year.

I think I'm set there. Oh wait, what's that I hear? Jay Cutler wants out of Denver? I drop everything I am doing and commence trade talks with the Broncos. This kid just turned 26, coming off of a Pro Bowl season in which he threw for over 4,500 yards with no running game whatsoever? Here's the 22nd overall pick, Jackson or Rosenfels, and Chester Taylor. The Broncos need a running back, and they can either sign a QB or parlay their two first round picks into a high enough pick to get one of the premier gunslingers in the draft.

Now that I have my quarterback situation set. I'll move on to a possession wide receiver and a right tackle. The best possession guy available is TJ Housmandzadeh of the Bengals. Of course in real life, he spurned the Vikes based largely on their lack of a solid quarterback. But, here in Norton's Do-Over, we have Jay Cutler. TJ immediately is hooked on the allure of playing with Cutler and All-World running back Adrian Peterson. 'Sign me up coach!' Houshmandzadeh says to me. Check and check.

Now we only need a right tackle to replace the god-awful Ryan Cook. We still have our second round pick yet, and there happens to be a big man by the name of Phil Loadholt available still. He's 6'7", 350 pounds and played his college ball where Peterson used to roam at Oklahoma. The guy is a mauler, pure and simple, in the Bryant McKinnie mold. And who better to help him with the transition to NFL tackle than? Bryant McKinnie!

I feel like with this Do-Over -- and none of these were/are out of the realm of possibility -- the Vikings enter 2009 as the NFC favorites to go to the Super Bowl. Either way, they'll probably still win the division, and it's only because it's that bad, and get knocked out in the first or second round of the playoffs. While Childress is at the helm, this team is bound to stumble its way around the league. It may be the most talented team, but it's the least talented coaching staff.

Oh and I forgot one thing I would do if I was Wilf before any of this. I'd fire Childress and hire a former Forest Lake offensive lineman/arm chair quarterback. He can't be worse than Childress.

You are invited to send interesting, unusual and/or humorous items that could possibly be used in this space. If you choose to do so, please send it to [email protected].

If you prefer, you may send it to

Chisago County Press

Attn: Jeff

12631 Lake Blvd.

Lindstrom, MN 55045

or, you may bring it in to the office.

---